Polarize This
Fun Is When You Make It
Many of my readers must wonder, “what does Chrone Osphere do for fun?”
The better question would be, “what DOESN’T Chrone DO for fun?”
With no bosses to answer to, no deadlines and no authorities I can’t elude, my perspective on life has been radically altered.
“Fun” and self-fulfillment are my main occupation, other than stopping P.F. Jones, and I have more options at my disposal than any other human in history.
Many of you have written in to the Post saying I’m probably using the time machine for personal gain.
Of course I am.
I’m not, however, taking a sports almanac back in time to make millions in gambling schemes.
As I said, my take on life has changed, so I view wealth in terms of experience and personal growth.
When you can go anywhere in the world at any point in time, money doesn’t mean that much.
Sufficed to say, though, I do own a private island that no longer appears on any map at any point in history.
So that you may better understand my adventures, as well as my quest to save humanity, I thought I might share some of the escapades I’ve had traveling through time the past few years (and yes, for me, it has been years).
You should know that my ability to have fun and stop P.F. Jones is the direct result of Jones himself.
You see, with only a time machine, anything I wrote as a temporal correspondent would be highly susceptible to plagiarism.
This just goes to show you how far ahead Jones was thinking.
A wise man once said, “once time travel exists in one time, it exists in all times.”
P.F. realized that someday in the future other humans will possess time-travel technology, and these people would be able to send our time reports back to the times they happened and thus use our own content against us years before it even existed.
Hence, Jones insisted that Time Ship 1 not only be equipped with the Temporal Inversion Core, which makes time travel possible, but also the Temporal Isolation Field.
The TIF polarizes passive neutrinos in such a way as to isolate the ship and its memory core from any changes in the timeline.
Thus, if any competitors from the future tried to rip us off, the flight recorder would win our lawsuit for us.
I decided to find out if the TIF could isolate a human from the timeline, so I'd be able to perceive the changes I made.
I hot-wired the TIF into the cortical stimulators and, after giving myself one Hell of a shock, I was able to see timeline changes.
Without that ability, I wouldn’t be able to have any fun.
I also wouldn’t be able to stop P.F.
You see, I'm noticing changes in the timeline that I didn't make.
And that's bringing me to one simple conclusion.
I think I know how P.F. managed to take over the world.
Many of you may recall November of 2006, when I nearly started World War III.
I knew tensions would be high with North Korea testing a nuclear bomb.
So, with the whole world watching, I opened a temporal vortex right in the middle of Pyongyang Square.
Do you have any idea how much fun it is to scare the shit out of Kim Jong Il and George W. Bush at the same time?
Oh, and watching thousands of North Korean soldiers scatter, screaming like little girls in their own capital- priceless.
Sometimes I do something small for fun.
One example that should be fresh in your memory is that crazy primary debate the Democrats had.
You may have thought they were drunk, but the truth is that I put GHB in all of the candidates’ water glasses right before the live broadcast.
Have you ever learned as much about presidential candidates in a debate as you did that night?
I thought the way Mike Gravel laughed nervously for 90 straight minutes was particularly revealing.
I also liked when Joe Biden took his shirt off and started doing a Chipendales dance for the live audience.
Barack Obama was the only candidate who handled his high.
Was anyone really surprised?
Oh, and you really shouldn’t be mad at Hilary- she’s telling the truth when she says she doesn’t remember any of it.
I watched most of it from the rafters in a blindspot cloak (more proprietary swag from Integrated Technologies) until Kucinich somehow saw me and started pointing.
I got to Time Ship 1 and flew away before the Secret Service came around.
I hate the Secret Service.
Fun doesn't always go as planned, though.
I went back to the earliest days of colonial America to bury some Garbage Pail Kids cards and an Atari 2600, you know- just to fuck with the archeologists.
Long story short, I got into a patch of psychedelic mushrooms and things went south from there.
It took me all summer to clean up the mess I made which, unfortunately, robbed America of its first truly successful colony.
Oh, and I gained 18 pounds.
